2020 was a fight in different ways for everyone. I actually gave up a fight. A fight to press on in some things that were good. What God wanted to show me required less of me doing and having anything to show for it. He was calling me to park the car with Him for awhile, like when you drive up to an outlook on a date to park and just be without an agenda. 

Performance is sneaky.
Its voice can sound spiritual and well-intentioned.
It really just misrepresents the Father and what He desires.

It snuck up on me and I realized it was more internal than external, affecting my driving beliefs behind things. Like an undercurrent, it was subtle but driving, with subtle fruit as well. In an environment of performance, things like comparison, striving, and legalism (an adherence to formula instead of relationship) continually grow no matter how we resist or shoo them away. I went on an eye-opening journey with the Holy Spirit, a journey I’m still very much on. I’d love to share just a few of the testimonies from the last few months of this ongoing process.  

Performance really stands out in a culture that is moving in the opposite spirit. I’m so thankful for my school here in Redding and the Fathers and Mothers around me that let the presence and person of Jesus be what captivates us, making room for Him to come and move as He pleases. In times of worship as a school, God started to shake up my idea of what He really desires and how He moves. He started having me set aside my good intentions of what I desired to bring to Him and how I desired to bring it. I would encounter Him powerfully, like I never had before when I did nothing. No singing, no moving, just sitting and setting my heart on Him.

“…He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself (make myself real) to him” John 14:21

This spilled into ordinary moments throughout the day when I was not intentionally doing anything for Him but my heart would turn to Him in a moment and He would make Himself known. Even when I didn’t feel holy or didn’t feel like I had done what might draw God to show up, He would come. As if to say “you are holy because I say you are and this moment is significant because I am here, not because of what you are doing or how you feel.” I saw how He only wanted me to turn my attention to Him with an honest heart. He wasn’t teaching me a formula, but His presence. Not what to do, but to follow Him. The goal is not finding what works and sticking with it forever, it’s about relationship with the person of Jesus every time.

  “The true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for the Father seeks such people to be His worshipers. Those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” John 4:23-24

Then there was going back and learning to process pain His way. Yep, performance was here too. There were times where I had just directed my heart to perform and behave. What is birthed in performance must live that way – in striving and performance. That’s not freedom. I also started to see where performance had crept into my parenting expectations on myself and expectations on my kids. One morning as I was anticipating my kids waking up I was crying and asking God why, since this was very unusual. He said “because you believe you have to perform for your kids.” Um, what does that even mean? I was recognizing what the performance mentality thinks like and looks like. I even got to experience what it feels like. This squatter had pooped all over my life.

During a walk in early December, God opened my senses to His world and showed me these yokes around my neck. He allowed me to feel the heavy weight of performance, striving, and legalism – my knees buckled and my body stumbled. We took them off together and He reminded me that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, to come learn from Him. I love how a branch does not strive to produce fruit, it simply abides.

“Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am humble and gentle of heart and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light” Matthew 11:28-30

Who you are is not lost in the past or in what you’ve yet to do or who you’ve yet to become in the future. Who you are is in Christ. Your significance will not increase by how much you do for God, who you become, or by what the world or man has yet to affirm or give you. If you are in Christ Jesus, you have already arrived. Yes, you are still being transformed by Him, endlessly discovering all of who He is, and always learning. But you do that from having already arrived in Him. Whatever comes or goes, you are found in Him and complete in His love. I pray this is not just knowledge but an ongoing encounter.

I’m thankful that the Father is not in a rush, so I don’t have to be either. I’m so thankful that Jesus is not most concerned about developing us, but having a relationship with us. Is our pursuit of Him about becoming and accomplishing above just being together and enjoying one another? If so, we might need to check our beliefs of what the Father desires and where we believe our significance comes from.

Here’s a sample prayer you can use if this is connecting with you. Invite the Holy Spirit to lead and counsel you. I believe if you have shoulder/neck pain it could be connected to this weight and Jesus will heal you as you get these heavy yokes off.

Holy Spirit are there any areas where I feel the need to perform? Is there anywhere I am striving? Where I’m more hungry for how to’s and principles rather than You and Your presence? Would You show me if there’s any heavy yokes around my neck? What are they?

Jesus I confess and repent for walking in _______. Would You forgive me and remove that yoke from me. Jesus I receive Your yoke in exchange. Thank You that Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light, and I will find rest for my soul. I want to learn from you, teach me your way that I will pursue You from that rest and live from that rest. AMEN!

If you want you can go into asking the Spirit what lies you’re believing in the areas He showed you and for the truth He wants to give you instead. May your 2021 be filled with encountering God’s love and delight in you!

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, strip off every unnecessary weight and the sin that so easily and cleverly entangles us, let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and Perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, disregarding the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Just consider and meditate on Him who endured from sinners such bitter hostility against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  Hebrews 12:1-3

– Lindsey