Why would something with a good foundation that’s flourishing need to die? Why would doing what you’ve always done that’s gone so well and built you up suddenly feel like hitting a wall and leave you worse than before?

Is this what removing an old wineskin is like? ((Luke 5:37-39) To put a completely new one in place? Can something so strong and prosperous get worn down? I think it can when it’s not the perfect rhythm I’m looking to settle into but more of the Spirit I want and am inviting in.  

Welcome to my current journey. Trying to do what I’ve always done and walking away worse off. Trying to maintain what I felt was necessary but it wasn’t producing fruit anymore. There are many times when we don’t feel something or it seems like things are failing when we must press on and see the breakthrough. There’s times when things are given to us in seed form and we need to be patient and faithful for the harvest to come. But there’s other times when what seems best and so right to us, even necessary, is not what God has. We can choose to press on in what we’ve always known, or we can stop trying harder and surrender to what God wants to show us.

I remember my dream job, working with refugees. I wasn’t even qualified for the job and many others were and they wanted to transfer to the branch in my city. God led me to apply and woke me up every morning for a week to pray in the Spirit and in my understanding. At the end of that week the job called and said that I wasn’t as qualified as many others but they were praying and just felt strongly that I was the one for the job. It was like heaven on earth to me. Daily I was burning with the love of God for the people I got to serve and filled with so much purpose and destiny. Then the day came when I felt His peace lift from being there. It was the hardest thing. I thought ‘God needs me here to love these people!’ But I resigned without knowing what was next and soon after God opened up another miraculous door for a job that I was not educationally qualified for that took me “deeper in” with what I was doing and loved. That cycle continued many other times throughout my life, including being where we are now. 

Sometimes, something flourishing and even God-given for a season needs to die. I say ‘die’ because truly laying something down feels like a death and allows God to do a new thing if He wants. It can seem like the worst timing and make no sense, but if we’re abiding in Jesus and Him in us we know His voice and there’s many ways He speaks. It’s super painful, not going to lie. But oh, just to be with Jesus where He is. I’m forever ruined for this one thing. It’s the only thing that satisfies. And each time I followed His surrender there was something greater on the other side. If we are crying out for the Spirit to come, to have His way, to have more of us – then old things will have to go and new ones put in place.

Just in the last few weeks, we’ve driven past a long stretch of burnt trees from a fire and also went to the most volcanic island of Hawaii. We saw the hard lava covering much of the land. Leighton and I witnessed the new life that was coming up from both the dead trees and where the lava once flowed. We talked about how rich the nutrients were coming from what had died to now produce new life.

For me in this season it’s been hard not to DO as I have for most of my life. I don’t just mean a job or some way to serve the Lord, but my pursuit of Him in my daily, personal life. Like how I want to respond to the burning hunger in me for Him. He reassures me that He doesn’t want my outward performance but my heart (1 Samuel 16:7). He doesn’t want my early mornings, my checklist bible reading and prayer list, my lesson plans to empower my kids. These are important things and discipline is good. But He literally just wants my heart right now. He’s guiding me in what that looks like and there’s a grace on obedience to what He’s saying. This doesn’t mean I have stopped these things, it’s following Him into what abiding in Him with these things looks like.

I don’t want to do all I can to get the gold star of ‘best daughter’, ‘best lover,’ ‘most influential leader’. I don’t want to find the best 5 steps to thriving in intimacy with Jesus. I want to follow Jesus where He leads His lovers. I want to be sensitive when the Holy Spirit wants to show up or connect in new ways. I want to stay willing to follow His lead in how abiding in Him looks in each season. Not just following the way that makes me feel like I’ve done what I should. Or even pursuing Him how I want that makes me feel good instead of learning what He desires. Oh learning to love.

So again, sometimes even beautiful, flourishing things for the Lord have to fall apart and die for the new to be planted. I don’t always understand it, it is painful, but I’m surrendered.

“There is change in the air. Arise, my love, my beautiful companion, and run with me to the higher place. For now is the time to arise and come away with me.” Song of Songs 2:13 TPT

-Lindsey